By Ruth Schenk | rschenk@secc.org
Not every abused woman has visible bruises. Some appear successful and maintain an “everything’s fine” facade on the outside. That doesn’t alter inner suffering. According to the statistics, one in three women suffers some sort of abuse, whether it be physical, mental or emotional. Ask Joann Rowan. She’s worked with abused women for the last 20 years. “We wear masks to make everyone think everything’s good,” she said. “But inside we’re just a dressed up mess. It’s so hard to reveal our stuff. We’re more worried about what people will think than whether we’ll survive.” Teresa Oechsli had her own front row seat to abuse. As a child, she watched her father hold a gun to her mother’s head. Witnessing that abuse colored her perception of life and relationships. Vicki Stagnuolo understands abuse. She survived abuse as a child and two abusive marriages. She is now a counselor. “If one in three women is abused, what makes you think it’s not the same in the church?” Rowan asked. These three women lead a new abuse support group at Southeast called Mending Hearts. They began to work together four years ago after their friend, Jeanette Spencer, was murdered. It happened the weekend they’d planned to attend a Faces of Christ Retreat at Country Lake. Spencer failed to show up at the rendevous time. They dialed and redialed her cell phone throughout the day, but learned the next day that she’d been murdered in her apartment building elevator by the ex-boyfriend she feared. “Jeanette’s death made us want to do more for women caught in abuse,” Oechsli said. “When I met Jeanette, God didn’t say to mentor her or counsel her—just be her friend. And that’s what we want to do with the women who come to this group. We want to walk beside them as we go through the Twelve Steps to Spiritual Healing, a Christ-centered program to wholeness. Forgiveness and healing is the goal. “Many women living with abuse think they are the only ones,” Stagnuolo said. “One of the major reasons women stay is shame and embarrassment. Especially in the church. But if we focus on Christ, the shame and embarrassment falls by the wayside. We can hold onto Christ together.” For years, many women try to “fix” the problem. “So many think if they lost 10 pounds, had a different haircut, cleaned the house, cooked a better dinner or looked more like women on the Internet, the abuse would stop,” Rowan said. “Women who are abused do not ‘deserve’ what happens to them.” Oechsli said the group will be confidential. Jan Freibert, who is head of support/recovery groups at Southeast, said even she will not know the identity of those who attend. “I feel so good about the leadership of this group,” Freibert said. “Each one understands abuse, and each one is biblically grounded and committed to reaching out with support, encouragement and prayer.” Oechsli said fear keeps many women trapped in abusive relationships. “This group will be a safe place to heal,” Oechsli said. “If my daughter were in an abusive relationship, I would tell her and her children to leave and be safe. God doesn’t want His children to suffer abuse. We’ve seen lives change when healing and forgiveness become part of the rebuilding process.”